Good Things in My Life

After yesterday's rant, I'm thinking I need to focus on some of my blessings.

1. I turned in my ordination paperwork last week - one day before the Dec. 1 deadline! Now it's sit and wait time until interviews in late February.

2. manBoy has thus far managed his time and energy during a school year that is very academically demanding and continued to work 9 hours each week at his pharmacy job. Job may have to be dropped when track season starts.

3. Gifted and Talented is employed. This is a mixed blessing. His job has become increasingly demanding and the culture increasingly toxic. Please keep him in your prayers.

4. Several initiatives in my work are bearing fruit. We started a network for Adult Christian Educators since children and youth were getting great support, but there was a gap for folks working in Adult Ministries. So far the network has been well received and benenficial for those participating. Another committee that has been somewhat dormant for a while, has gained momentum and is thinking big!!!!

5. manBoy can get himself where he needs to be now because he's driving my old car and I'm driving one of these:

Rambling Rant

It seems like most of my posts this year have been on the blue side and I don't mean the font color. It has been a blue year for so many of those I care about. While our immediate family has been spared from many things, others around us are struggling with unemployment, grief over death that came way too early (neighbor, young boy I've followed on Caringbridge, and husband of friend), anger, and hurt of all kinds. I find myself hurting for others daily.

Today, I went to the Y and hopped on the elliptical trainer. I found myself peddling away at more than 180 strides per minute. I've never gone that fast before. The faster I went, the more the tears came. I managed to not embarrass myself or those around me - you can make grief look like intensity of work out if needed. I was listening to Girls of Grace, but not really hearing the words.

Then just in time for cool down the words were In the calm of your presence, I am listening Lord. Only I wasn't listening. I was ranting. I was more than a little ticked at God, and I definitely was not in the mood to listen. Now, I in no way think God caused all this pain, but I need someone to be mad at and God is mighty handy. Also, it's not as hard on my marriage or other relationships when I take my anger out on God rather than those around me. God is tough. God can take it.

Several years ago, I was lamenting to a friend that manBoy then mostly just boy, could be so polite with everyone else and vent his anger on me. She pointed out that meant I was safe. manBoy trusted that I would still love him even when he was less than polite and needed a place to spill his frustrations. Well I'm counting on that being true with God. I'm trusting God to love me even when I vent.

Truth is, I don't want to be calm and listen right now. I just want to rant a little, and I wouldn't mind if someone would give me a hug now and then. While none of this pain is mine personally, it is in a way. I hurt for my friend who is trying to figure out how to live without her life partner, father of her children, and provider of a hefty chunk of their income while remaining faithful to her call. I hurt for another friend who is in pain I can't imagine and have no words to comfort her with. I hurt for a family that inspite of their emotional and spiritual health are finding the loss of Little D has left a great hole in their hearts and lives.

I have a message of hope mulling in my head that will be delivered at Blue Christmas Service. I'm sure I will be preaching to the preacher.

There are good things happening in our lives. I will post about them soon. We continue to be proud of manBoy and all he has grown to be. Yesterday marked 17 years since he came into our family and we have been blessed by every minute of it.

If you are still there, thanks for "listening." Letting this all spill out helps.

Lord, open my eyes and heart to your presence in all this pain. Let me see the blessings you bring in the midst of it all. Show me hope. Amen.

Friday Five: What's New?

Over at RevGalBlogPals, Songbird writes:
There's a new baby on my street, a double PK whose mom and dad are Methodist Pastors and church planters. I'm hoping to go over and meet her today. I love new babies, the way they smell and their sweet little fingers and toes. Little K has me thinking about all the new things that please us with their shiny freshness.

Please share with us five things you like *especially* when they are new.

First let me share that the cyber world and IRL world are getting increasingly connected. I've never met Little K's parents, but I spent Monday and Tuesday at a Leadership training with someone who is a part of that new church plant. She kept checking her email and facebook to see if the baby had been born yet. In addition I also met one of Little K's grandfathers a few weeks ago when his job and my job intersected. United Methodism is indeed a connectional system.

Now on to the Friday Five.
1. A new journal. I love the possibility of all those pages waiting to be filled. This is probably connected to my earlier fondness for a brand new big chief tablet and a big fat pencil with a fresh eraser. It should be noted that I write in my journals with a Parker pen that was a High School graduation present more than 30 years ago. It just feels right in my hand.

2. A new car. Maybe in the next year or so???? Or maybe a new used car.

3. A new, fresh off the presses J.D. Robb detective story - or Jan Karon book but those are few and far between.

4. A freshly cleaned house (does this count?)

5. Almost anything new - especially if the procuring of it was not too painful. I had Leadership Incubator assignment in a mall this week. I was reminded of why I don't go to malls often. They spark in me that desire to get something new, just for the sake of having something new. Our budget doesn't allow for this as it once did, so I just don't go any more.

Bonus: I am looking forward to having a new Wesley Study Bible which will be on sale for only$20 Nov. 19, 20, 21. I didn't put this in my five because, well used Bibles are just as much fun as new ones.

When I was in Brownies, I learned the following song. It is applicable to friends and things.
Make new friends, but keep the old.
One is silver, and the other's gold.

Friday Five - Special Days

Over at RevGalBlogPals, Sophia is "thinking of the special rites of passage in our lives which we participate for ourselves or in which we support and bless others: baptism, confirmation, marriage, ordination, graduation, funerals etc. Such important days, so exciting and joyous, but also sometimes anxiety provoking or deeply painful..."

So for this week's Friday Five she asks us to "share five memories of such sacred moments with God and her holy people from your life and the lives of those you love."

This is an interesting day for this particular topic. While my life has been filled with many holy moments, there are a few days that stand out.

This weekend, Gifted & Talented and I will be celebrating our 29th wedding anniversary. Remembering our wedding all those years ago - we were sooooo young and sooo full of hope and possibility for our future. Earth tones prevailed. Young men and women lined up beside us as we took vows we believed but couldn't begin to comprehend. We have been blessed over the years through both trials and triumphs.

Our struggle with infertility ended on the day we stood in a hospital chapel and Manboy's birthmother placed him in our arms. It was indeed a holy day with a ceremony presided by her pastor and ours. We honored the difficult but love filled choice his birthparents were making, promised to raise him in a home filled with love, and prayed for all of us. We still watch the video some years as we remember that day, just two days after his birthday. He'll be 17 in a few months. Surely God has been with us.

There are several memories connected with my ordination journey which really began when I went to my parents and asked to "join the church" a year before the standard age for confirmation. The first time I spoke of my call out loud to G&T and later to my pastor. Standing at the giant window of the retreat center looking out at the lake, listening to praise music as I prepared for my commissioning interviews. The comissioning service.

Today, I am working on writing the answers to the theology questions for ordination. My last entry is not yet a memory, but rather a hope that next June the Bishop will lay hands on me and say "Take thou authority..."

Sunshine

is the name she goes by. She has a brilliant smile and a servant's heart. She works at the breakfast room of the hotel I stayed in last week. Breakfast is a buffet. Her job is to refill as needed and clean up after guests. Her vocation (calling) is to greet those guests with a smile or in my case a hug and a warm welcome. She takes a job that could be drudgery and turns it into a ministry. She wears a name tag with her official name, but her real identifier is the yellow and orange sun pin she wears next to it. I was blessed by her presence and so are many travelers each year.

Thank you God for sunshine (after 10 days of rain) and for Sunshine who brightened my day even if it was rainy outside. Amen.

Imagination

can be a good thing or a not so good thing.

In April, I wrote about my missing neighbor, Kathy Garza. Friday, I attended a memorial service for her. Her body still has not been found, but the prosecution is proceeding with murder charges. In the weeks following her disappearance, I really struggled - especially with my imagination. I wondered if she had been afraid, if she felt pain, if she knew she was leaving her children (2 adult, 2 teenagers). Even as I type this, the tears still come. As time passed, these thoughts no longer dominated my thinking, but were still under the surface and bubbled up whenever there was a reminder.

At the memorial service, the first song was I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me. This time my imagination was healing rather than painful. As I listened to the song, I could imagine Kathy looking ahead to heaven in delight, looking back at her family with grief, and looking back to the presence of God with delight. I could imagine her feeling God holding her hand as she went through her suffering. I still ache for her loss, for her family, for our neighborhood, but I also have more peace.

Still working on that forgiveness thing.

Please keep Kathy's family and all those who miss her in your prayers.

Giver of Life, thank you for the hope we know in you. Thank you for your presence in our grief. Hold us close please. Amen.

Good Day

Yesterday was a good day. It was my birthday and lots of good things happened . Many were totally unrelated to my birthday, but made it a great day.

First I got a hilarious e-card from my sister in law showing Moses parting the waters. In the waters on one side of the break are three fish with big mouths and teeth chomping. On the other side of the break is a little fish named Harvey who is sticking out his tongue (do fish have tongues?) and mocking the fish who would have eaten him. The caption is "Harvey catches a lucky break. Hope your day is filled with unexpected blessings." It was!

Next, I was bemoaning with an experience pastor that I didn't feel good about my sermon that was video taped on Sunday to send to the Board of Ordained Ministry. I felt is was too head based and not enough heartfelt. She happened to have heard the other sermon I will be sending and felt showing both sides of my preaching might be a good thing. It may simply be justification, but I felt better anyway.

I got a long voicemail message that ended with appreciation for aforementioned sermon, and especially some of the teaching I had done in it. (Smile)

I received a thank you note signed by a whole Sunday School class for the materials they had checked out of the Conference Resource Center and used over the summer. I've worked for the last 9 months to get the Resource Center better organized and more user friendly, with more current material. This was wonderful affirmation. (Smile)

I received The Porpoise Given Life in the mail from the author's wife whom I met at a leadership incubator last week. She didn't plan it as a birthday gift, but it was nice that it arrived that day. I'm looking forward to spending more time with her as we incubate in the coming months. (Smile)

I had several calls and cards with birthday wishes through out the day including cupcakes at work. (Smile)

I had dinner with my husband and son - something that will happen less often now that manBoy is taking a dual credit class at the local Community College one evening a week, and working part time. They gave me a new Terri Hendrix CD and a crockpot cookbook to go with the crockpot I got a couple of weeks ago when the 30 year old one bit the dust. (Smile)

I joined facebook. If you know my real name, feel free to friend me.

We ended the evening with birthday pie - Key Lime to be exact - much better than cake. (Big Smile)

Now, on the morning after, I'm beginning to think my "age-fighting moisturizer" might be loosing the battle. (Smile, oops then the lines show!)

Spiritual Junk Food

Last week, I had the opportunity to worship here. The scripture reading was the "Bread of Life" passage from John 6. Rather than hearing a sermon, we were asked to reflect on the passage on our own. Here's where my thoughts went:

Lately, I've been working with my doctor or healthier living habits. One of these includes switching foods that are high in nutritional value for those that are high in fat or are simply empty calories with little value for nourishing my body.

So, given this passage about what real nourishment is, I asked myself, "Self, what spiritual junk food have you been taking in of late?" Where have you been seeking nourishment or refreshment where there was none to be found? Good.question. Frantic prayers of distress (see previous post), rather than faith perhaps? They serve their purpose, but they are not the "protein" I crave or the "fiber" I need.

On the flip side, where have I found true spiritual nourishment of late? In the study I'm doing for sermon writing, ordination writing, and preparation for Leadership Incubator (more later). In the new friends and colleagues in ministry I met last week at the LI. In one particular new friend with whom I spent a lovely afternoon exchanging spiritual journey history and exploring our surroundings.

So my question to you which you may answer in the comments or just in your heart is: What kind of spiritual food have you been consuming lately? Junk or the stuff of high nutritional value?

Coping, Dealing, Gratitude, and Healing

COPING AND DEALING
It's been an interesting two weeks - that's the best word I can come up with.

Last week, the one that began when it was still July, started off with a minor concern. manBoy had a bit of a sore throat. Here's how it went from there:

Tuesday morning: Trip to pediatrician for minor sore throat ends with manBoy having fainting spell or neurological event that scared the ...... out of his mother (me). Of course the doctor had just left the room and it was over by the time she took the 10 steps back in response to my cry for help.

Tuesday afternoon: As a result of morning event, make trip into big city for pediatric cardiology work up that showed manBoy's heart to be perfectly healthy.

Tuesday evening: Jake the dog is whimpering and welping in pain and we cannot find the source.
Wednesday morning: Take Jake the dog to the vet.

Wednesday morning continued: Take manBoy to podiatrist for foot concern that involves a certain amount of digging around in his heel.

Wednesday noon: Meet with residency group to discuss Ministry Project that is new, last minute requirement for ordination.

Wednesday afternoon: Take manBoy to dentist for small filling.

Wednesday afternoon: Jake the dog comes home from vet with pain meds and instruction for 2 weeks of limited mobility due to possible slipped disc in neck meaning he is for now an inside dog with much more maintenance.

Thursday morning: Jake the dog is already feeling better and is whining to get out much to my aggravation. It will be a long 2 weeks. Daily Guidepost devotional for the day - being irritated with the dog and how God loves us even when we are irritating. Thanks.a.bunch.

Thursday morning continued: Deliver manBoy to PSAT/SAT prep class as heel hurts too much to propel himself there on foot or bike. Run into the office to pick up work to do at home. Pick manBoy up from class.

Thursday afternoon: Attempt to work at home, only to discover personal laptop screen goes black every 3-4 minutes. Look for extended warranty papers, give up, call store to learn they have records of warranty. Go to my doctor for follow up on health program. Good news. It's working. Take computer to store for diagnostics and repair.

Thursday evening: G&T discovers nails in two of my tires. Drive G&T's car to meeting at church.
Friday morning: Take car to tire store for repair. Learn that computer must be shipped off for two weeks for repair.

GRATITUDE AND HEALING
In all that, I did not have a headache! See earlier post about healing service and yoga. It's working! I did have a mild headache this week in the let down, but still two headaches in 7 weeks is way better than twice a week early in the summer. Prayers of thankfulness ascending.

My mom was in town for business and went with us to the cardiologist. Her background in people and animal medical technology comes in handy in understanding medicalese and interpreting doctor reports...

manBoy feels fine. The doctor listened to my concerns especially since manBoy drives now and ordered an EEG. We had it done this week, but do not have results back.

Jake seems to feel fine and we plan on releasing him from his housebound status today or tomorrow.

Computer is home and working after only one week!

With the exception of Jake the dog, all the issues of last week were covered by insurance or warranty. Out of pocket expensese were a mere fraction of what they could have been.

Bishops Week II

Worship at this event was awesome - truly awesome! Bishop Hope Morgan Ward preached at all three services. The first was a Service of Holy Communion. In her sermon, Bishop Ward mentioned adoption, special needs ministry, and hope built through pastoral care for a dying parishioner. Needless to say she touched my heart at several points.

The second worship was a Service of Healing and Wholeness. The worship settings (far beyond the altar) for all three services were awesome, but I didn't realize until the second one that each would be different and very appropriate for the specific service. For the Service of Healing and Wholeness, there was a huge (at least 12 feet tall) cross laid at a slight angle from the floor. It had votive candles all along the vertical and horizontal bars. In addition we were given a candle and a shard of a broken clay pot. At the appropriate time, we each placed our candles in one of several terra cotta pots filled with sand. Later we were annointed with oil if we chose.

As the service progressed, I remembered the healing God has already worked in my life. I am by far much healthier mentally and spiritually than I was 20 years ago. I have been healed from a great deal of childhood pain over the years. One of the big "healing moments" in my journey happened when I was a pilgrim on a Walk to Emmaus Weekend. I heard a woman tell a story about verbal and emotional abuse that rang so true with me that it was like that song "Killing Me Softly." I finally began to understand that in God's eyes, I am both lovable and loved. Seated right behind me at this healing service was a woman who had been on the Emmaus Team and at my table when this breakthrough happened. Now she's the wife of a Bishop. It was great to give her a big hug of thankfulness following the service.

My struggles with migraines for a couple of months leading up to this event made me ripe for this service. While at Bishop's week, I attended two Yoga classes and two "Late Night Relaxation" classes. This service happened between the Yoga classes. Healing had already begun. My head,neck, and shoulders were loosening up in ways they hadn't in months if not years. The second round of classes made a huge difference. I have continued Yoga classes since my return and have only taken migraine meds once in the last 3 1/2 weeks!

This healing service was just one part of a lot of physical and mental letting go that made this seminar on health ministries a turning point in my own physical, spiritual, and emotional health. More on this in later posts.

The third service was a Remembrance of Baptism. Again the worship setting was awesome - the whole altar area (read stage) was draped in a yards and yards long piece of fabric woven in all shades of turquise and blue. We had our own fabric river leading right to the font. Again the preaching was touching and meaningful and the music was incredible.

Thank you Lord for the blessings of these worship experiences and again as I recall them. Amen.

Tell me about a meaningful worship experience you've had.

Bishop's Week...

was several weeks ago, but there's lots of bloggable stuff still left from it. I'll break it down into several posts so you don't get too bogged down.

The theme of the week was Health Ministries. I went for two reasons. First, because I am the staff liaison to the Conference Health and Welfare Committee. I also was asked to take a display showing the work of the Disability Concerns Committee I co-chair. They were having a ministry fair where different churches told about what they are doing in health ministries.

I fell into the liaison position because Disability Concerns falls under Health and Welfare... However, I have learned so much about how churches can use even the simplest health ministries to reach out into their communities. I never expected this to be a new area of calling for me, but apparently it is. I didn't learn much at Bishop's week that I hadn't heard at another conference last fall, but I did get re-energized to grow these ministries in our conference.

Does your church have any kind of health based ministry? If so what?

Friday Five - Exercise

For some reason I can't paste the Friday Five I've successfully copied from RevGalBlogPals into this post, so I'm just going to type the short version.

1. What was your favorite sport or outdoor activity as a child.
Playing - just plain playing. I lived on a deadend street with anywhere from 10-30 kids. We played all the time. We played at the playground at the end of the street. We played in "the woods" (a wooded vacant lot). We played in the creek behind the houses on the other side of the street from my house. We played freeze tag. We played blind-man's bluff. We even had seasons where we would play one game for a few weeks, then switch. In the winter, which isn't long here, we would play Monopoly afterschool. When it was time to go home to dinner, we just slid the board under the bed with all the pieces on it until the next day. I wonder if kids just play much any more.

2. P.E. Class - Heaven or the other place.
The other place definitely. No physical skills (coordination, speed, aim...) here. I still close my eyes when a ball comes my way.

3. What is your favorite form of exercise now?
I ride an elyptical trainer for cardio and do strength training on machines at the Y. Some days I like these a lot. Some days not as much. Recently I've started doing "Gentle Yoga." This has made a huge difference in my headaches and overall well being. So this I like!

4. Do you like to work out solo or with a partner.
Solo! I put the MP3 player earbuds in and shut the world out.

5. Inside or outside?
Inside. It's 105 degrees here! I like to be outside in nature, but not for exercise. Hiking and biking are good during those months when it's not too hot.

Bold New Look.

4 years ago when I went from contacts back to glasses because my aging eyes could no longer read through my contacts that corrected for astigmatism and nearsightedness, I wanted glasses that didn't show up at all. I had been without glasses on my face for several years and just wasn't used to the look of myself in glasses. So I bought these:




I.liked.them.a.lot. So much so that two years ago when it was time for new glasses, I stuck with the same style.

Now, it's time for new glasses. I'm tired of feeling frumpy and invisible in a lot of ways, so I decided to go with a much bolder look:

The difference is much more visible on my face, but I'm just not up to taking a picture of myself today, so if you know me IRL, you'll just have to wait till you see me. If you just know me through this blog, you'll have to take my word for it... this is a big change. Another part of "The Woman I Want to Be."

Herding Wind

Last week I felt like I was herding ping pong balls - all bouncing in different directions. Well all the deadlines I was facing are met. Now, I have the whole month of July with no deadlines. Get this straight, I have lots and lots to work on, but none of it is actually due in July. I have a couple of meetings each week, but not much in the way of be in x place at x time in the schedule. I have before me a vast plain of unstructured time. Not good for this goal oriented person who spent 38 years having my life scheduled around classes and deadlines.

Now, I feel like I'm herding wind. The stuff to work on is out there, but it's nebulous - hard to get hold of. I've been told I need to make lists, set priorities, make a schedule and set my own deadlines. Yeah, I know that. I'm the queen of lists, priorities, schedules, and especially deadlines. It's just harder with such a long period left for me to structure.

God of eternity, guide the use of my time that it may glorify you. Let me busy, let me be idle as is your will. Amen.

P.S. On another note, according to my psych eval for ordination, my summaries "reveal no significant mental health or personality disorder issues that would prevent me from being an effective parish leader." Whew! That's a relief.

Collars and Pumps

A couple of weeks ago, my Lay Ministry Committee (advisory committee for residency) was discussing my identity as clergy or pastor since I am appointed "beyond the local church." One person suggested that every clergy person should wear a clerical collar at least 3 days a week, especially when going into public places. Now most clergy in my denomination don't wear collars, but a few do. He went on to discuss how some clergy who come to our office have an "air" of clergy about them. It is definitely part of their identity. Others don't have that air everywhere they go, but seem to put on that identity when needed.

I asked myself, "When do I wear a virtual clerical collar?" When do I carry that identity and authority and where don't I?" I've been stewing over this for several days. There have been plenty of days in the last year when my position seemed more administrative than pastoral, but I think that can happen for pastors appointed in the local church as well.

Then, as I got dressed one morning this week and opted for pumps instead of casual flats, I realized my pumps are one way I put on that virtual collar. When I worked at the hospital, I gave up any form of shoes that weren't flat with plenty of support. I was on my feet a lot with 900 beds on 11 floors. When I walked into a room and introduced myself as the chaplain, the collar was on - real or not. Shoes didn't matter. When I left the hospital, I stuck with my flats. Now, I'm short and round and flat shoes make me look shorter and rounder. When I wear pumps with a moderate heel, I stand straighter and walk with more authority. HMMMM. Interesting. Pretty much the only time I wear pumps has been when I'm preaching or leading a meeting - in other words when I'm being pastoral. So the current line of thinking is, if I need to extend that identity to more of my days and more of my functions, then perhaps I should forego the flats a little more often.

For some of you, this discussion with myself may seem odd. I know folks who think either you are, or you aren't clergy, but after 20 years as a special education teacher, my professional identity has been slowly changing. I knew I was making progress when at a Support Group for Parents of Children with Special Needs, my first concern was for their theological understanding of disability before worrying about "teacher" type concerns.

This aha moment is brought to you courtesy of some work I'm doing in terms of "The Woman I Want to Be." Watch for upcoming blogs.

Herding Ping Pong Balls

I've dropped the ball on a few obligations/details in the last few days. This.is.not.like.me. I'm not sure what is going on except I have many, many details to attend to between now and Wednesday when I head out for Bishop's Week.

In my quest to handle this in a spiritual way, I tried using imagery to "give it all to God." Well, the problem is, in my imagination, I can't get to God with all of the details. The mental image that has come to mind is trying to carry about 50 ping pong balls without a bag or case or basket of any kind. I keep trying to use my shirt or a dish towel to hold on to them, but they keep escaping. Every time I bend over to retrieve one, two more fall out.

Finally, my imagination has God scooping me up, ping pong balls and all. It doesn't matter if some of them fall, because they simply fall into God's hand next to me. Theoretically this is a comforting image. I think it will be if I can get my mind and body to relax just a little. Hmmm, what does that say if I have an image of being held by God, but in that image, I'm still squirming and trying to grasp at everything? Breathe in...... Breathe out.....Breathe in.....Breathe out....

Oh Lord, help me in my unbelief. Perhaps the best I can do is offer you this day. Literally, the calendar page with all the to dos. Take it Lord and do with it as you will. Take me Lord and do with me what you will. When I come to the end of the day, help me see where you were and how any detours that came up were part of your plan even when they don't seem to fit in mine. Amen.

Friday Five - Life is a Verb

Jan at RevGalBlogPals writes:
Jennifer recommended this book, which I got because I always value Jennifer's reading suggestions. The author of Life is a Verb, Patti Digh worked her book around these topics concerning life as a verb:
Say yes.
Be generous.
Speak up.
Love more.
Trust yourself.
Slow down.As I read and pondered about living more intentionally, I also have wondered what this Friday Five should be. This book has been the jumping off point for this Friday.

1. What awakens you to the present moment? Being outside in nature - harder to do right now with heat index 100+ most days. There is a park near my house with a creek and big trees and no playground (quieter that way). Great place to go.

2. What are 5 things you see out your window right now? Sunlight, green leaves, people scurrying off to work, a porch light left on through the night, a spider web shimmering between the leaves.

3. Which verbs describe your experience of God? release - as in free, embrace, send (sometimes push), nag, call, love, caress, teach, inspire, delight

4. From the book on p. 197:Who were you when you were 13? Where did that kid go? I was growing - 8 inches in one school year - from abnormally small ("Are you in the right school?") to just short. Being stretched. Socially awkward, trying to find my way. Incredibly insecure. Miserable in home life as parents' marriage began to crumble. Yet, growing my interest in working with children with special needs. Being encouraged in my intelligence/ scholarly pursuits. Seeking a spirituality that was all my own and a release from home distress. Today that kid is all grown up - many of the seeds sown still blossom. Occasionally the incredibly insecure 13 year old peeks out, but less and less often. I'm being stretched in different ways as I'm learning to think more about the big picture in my conference level position. While I don't feel like I've grown 8 inches taller in the last year, I feel like I've grown emotionally, mentally, spiritually at least 8 inches in the last few years.

5. From the book on p. 88: If your work were the answer to a question, what would the question be? How can "The Church" best help local congregations bring God to the world - make disciples? Do we just need to get out of the way?????

Inertia Defeated or Hope Comes in the Mail

A few weeks ago I began to blog about the inertia that seemed to have overtaken my life. While the disappearance of my neighbor was the catalyst for this, it was not the only cause and not the reason it stuck around for so long. While some early steps helped me move into functionality, I had not yet moved back into energy and joy. I seem to have arrived back at energy and joy, or at least out of sadness and fatigue.

The Spirit has helped me take several steps that have helped. First has been getting my morning devotion routine back thanks to the arrival in the mail of a new book The Balancing Act by Bishop Robert Schnase. It has been just what I needed: reflection based on real life incidents that draw me into deeper thinking about who I am, who God is, and who the Church is. The reflecting has deepened my prayer life as well.

I also took an afternoon and worked (again) through the goal setting activities found in the Franklin-Covey Starter pack. It asks you to identify roles, values, and goals. This was a wonderful way for me to visualize how I wanted my life to be different from what it has been these last few weeks and make a plan to make the changes. The afternoon was spent near the creek in the park and was full of Holy Moments.

Prayer by others has been integral to this process. Last Saturday, I asked my small group to pray for discernment in several decisions I was facing regarding my work, my health, and my family. The first thing that happened was, I received permission I needed to miss some of my residency work to participate in an awesome training opportunity. Decision made. This week, I received a book about migraines in the mail that made it clear what one of the health issue decisions should be. Making that decision gave me courage to get started on the next one.

The other thing that has helped is remembering not to let dread suck up my whole day and energy like a giant vacuum cleaner. I've been doing some "Just Do It" self talk. I had a phone call to make to someone high up in the church, and was worried how it might go, since I was going to call into question a decision she and I had made together only the week before. Thinking it through had brought up some concerns we hadn't considered in our eagerness to get going and I didn't want her to think I am fickle. The phone call went fine. She agreed that we need to re-think this project and didn't say a word about me being fickle. In fact, she stated we are very much on the same page.

Next step: - Get back to the Y. I have a somewhat "normal" schedule next week with no excuses for not going. I haven't been in 2 months.

If you are still reading at the end of this long post, thanks for your interest and your prayers.

How do you deal with inertia?

Proud Mama Moment

They had awards day at manBoy's school today. As you can see, he was honored multiple times. The one I was most proud for him is the flame shaped glass trophy presented to one student in each grade for selfless efforts to make the school and community better. He earned this award through his work with our church's special needs ministry, organizing a shoe drive at school, and the MS150 (or MS72) bike ride. I'm so thrilled that he attends a school where service is honored as well as academic achievement. The school requires a minimum of 10 hours of community service to pass to the next grade. There were many certificates given for those who far surpassed the minimum requirements. The learners and facilitators as they are called each have a t-shirt that says (insert name of school here) Gives Back. This is the first year for this school and I'm so pleased that this is the culture that is developing.

We are indeed blessed! I just need to remember that the next time I'm picking up stinky shoes and snack leavings from the living room. He is still, after all, a teenage boy.

Random Acts of Cleaning

I'm off today - took today as a vacation day - not working today. Get the point? manBoy has an opportunity to go off campus for lunch. I want to encourage him to work for the grades that earn this privelege, so I planned to work at home today in order for him to take the car. Then I decided that there was more home work that needed doing than work work, so I took today as a vacation day.

Trouble is the house is dirty. I don't mean messy, I mean dirty - needs scrubbing top to bottom. But... it's my vacation day. Do I really want to come to the end of my vacation day having worn myself out getting the house clean? No.

So here's the plan or the unplan. The goal is not getting the house clean, it is getting the house cleaner. Normally when I clean house, I work in a very systematic way. I.love.systems. I love getting one room all the way clean. But today, I am purposefully not making a plan. I'm simply doing the next thing I see that I want to have done. Note I didn't say that I want to do. I don't want to do any of it, but I do want to have it done. So in the name of it being a vacation day, I'm not making a plan. I'm not setting specific goals or making a list. I'm simply doing what comes next, and at the end of the day anything that is done is more than was done when I got up this morning.

So far today, I have put away a few things in my home office/guest room. I can see the quilt on the guest bed now, so progress has been made. I have swept and mopped the pantry floor and swept most of the kitchen (except the part that is under all the stuff I hauled out of the pantry floor ;-). I'm not sure what I'll do next. At some point all the stuff from the pantry will have to go back in so we can get in and out the back door. But I don't really have a plan for that.

I know I want some time outside and some time with my new devotional book (see previous post). So if I decide to stop and sit a while, that will be fine. It is after all my vacation day. Perhaps I'll pick up a few more items in my office then go have a glass of tea and read my devotion for today. Hope your day is good too.